It Was a Southern Good Thing

Happy Thanksgiving...Here's a funny story for you...
My given name is Mary Jo Stewart. I live in the heart of Mississippi and the eastern corner of Carroll County. I’m truly Southern and I love it. I love our food and the musical language we speak although I can speak correctly if I concentrate.
Having the maiden name Stewart, one Thanksgiving I tried to become Martha Stewart, but had to resort to a few totally “Southern Good Things.” Now, I can decorate and I’ve done some good cooking and entertaining, but this particular Thanksgiving was a total disaster.
After reviewing one of Martha Stewart’s books and reading her magazine Living, I thought I could copy her techniques for a spectacular Thanksgiving meal. I began with the paper bag luminaries that you fill with sand and insert a candle, but the wind blew them over, and they caught the pine straw mulch on fire. After beating the fire out with a broom, I came up with the bright idea to use plastic milk jugs instead of the paper sacks. It worked and I felt proud. It was a “Southern Good Thing.”

Martha’s directions

I had read Martha’s directions for making a wreath with fall leaves to hang on the front door. That project worked okay, but the house was covered with wet dead leaves and muddy footprints covered the floor. After taking the time to clean up the mess I had made, I didn’t have time to polish the silver and press the tablecloth. So I used a paper tablecloth leftover from one of my children’s birthday parties. I turned it over so that it didn’t say “happy birthday.” I had to use mismatched plastic forks also left over from the same birthday parties. It was that or tarnished silver.
I had written a list of things to do before Thanksgiving and taped it to the dashboard in my car. One of the first things I needed to do was to thaw the turkey, but something went wrong.
As it goes in large families, I got a call to pick up Aunt Eula May, who was invited to eat at our house on Thanksgiving. Aunt Eula May – bless her heart—came two days early, so I had to pick her up for lunch at McDonalds. I forgot about thawing the turkey, but when she got into my car, she saw the list I had taped to the dash.
“Well, I never. Thanks a lot,” Aunt Eula May said. The first thing on my list was “Take out the turkey.”
Since Aunt Eula May was particularly nosey, I had warned my children about what NOT to say.
Upon discovering the night before Thanksgiving Day that the turkey was still frozen, I took it out and placed it in the refrigerator. When I got up at 4:30 AM to check it, that turkey felt as hard as a “brick bat.”

Hissie fit
I had a hissie fit and put it into the clothes dryer. I could have put it on the hood of the car and let the sun thaw it, but it was raining. Aunt Eula May heard the noise and came into the kitchen to find out what the ruckus was. I told her it was a tape of Native American drum music that I was playing for Thanksgiving ambience, a trick I’d learned from Martha Stewart.
“You know that Martha Stewart’s kin to me,” Aunt Eula May said. Being truly Southern, Aunt Eula May could tell you anyone’s family tree all the way back to the Mayflower. I didn’t want to hear about the Pilgrims and the Mayflower at this time.

Fire alarm
Around noon, the fire alarm went off, bringing everyone into the kitchen instead the ringing of the dinner bell as I’d planned. It wasn’t the “Good Thing” on my list. The dinner rolls had burned while I was fighting with the turkey. I won. I had the carving knife; the turkey wasn’t armed.
We had a typical Thanksgiving menu, but the elaborate Southern carmel cake icing’s skillet was setting out on the patio. While trying to “carmelize the sugar,” I burned the whole skillet. So dessert was traditional pumpkin pie using pumpkin from the can and a bought pie crust. It was topped with Cool Whip fresh out of the freezer. You can have your choice: take it or leave it. It’s a “Southern Good Thing.”

Happy Thanksgiving

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

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